February 15, 2012 10:37:55 AM WATime
Thanks Bec for posting your query to share with others. It's great we have managed to go through this already (in private messages) given that your boyfriend arrives back today!.
Support from those who care about us is really important for most people when facing adversity. However we may not want to burden them, worry about their reactions, or just feel we want to keep things to ourselves.
Who you tell and when you tell them is very much a personal decision. Close personal relationships are usually built around trust though, so choosing not to tell or waiting a while may cause the other person to feel you didn't trust them, especially with something so significant in your life.
Once you've decided to tell, the next question is when and how. Only you will know when the timing is best. There may not be a 'perfect' time, though, so waiting for one may also be very tricky. If you can, try to choose a private setting, - it's likely to be more comfortable for you both if not driving in a car or with others around. Prepare a little with how you will start. Often the simplest approach is the best, i.e. starting with "I felt a lump in my breast and went to the doctor. They did some tests and it shows the lump is cancer." Be prepared to allow him to react in his own way. Reactions are usually based on a person's own experiences .. he may be shocked & upset or supportive & caring. Or both, or neither. He may be full of questions or silent. Allow him time for his own reactions rather than expecting him to be immediately loving & supportive. He may ask if you will be okay and if you'll be cured - try to answer as honestly as you can. Optimism and hope can make a difference for you both, e.g. - "we don't have all the information yet but the aim is to get rid of the cancer". Keeping open communication between you allows you both to express how you feel.
Often hearing 'first-hand' from medical staff helps a person to understand, feel more involved and able to ask questions - if you are comfortable for him to go with you to appointments and he is willing and able to go. Again this is personal, some people prefer to go alone.
There are many good supports available for both you and your partner (and other family/friends). Have you seen a breast care nurse? If not, there may be one located at the hospital where you are having surgery. Breast Cancer Care also has breast care nurses and counsellors who can provide support and guidance (ph: 9324 3703). Other resources are available, including Breast Cancer Clinical Psychology Service & Cancer Council (see 'Resources'). Having the opportunity to discuss with someone in person is invaluable.
Please stay in touch. Other members may be able to help with tips too ..
The Click Breast Care Nurse 
